Journal Entry

An entry from my journal...

I am not sure how I should feel...Now that I am officially, "Going out" with Big Brother. Well, I use to think I could be in a relationship with more than one person...Because I use to think I could handle it. I use to think of it as a necessary requirement to being in a relationship. I remember something a friend of mine once told me. That, if you "Love someone", something like that shouldn't phase you. As long as everyone involved knows...A poly-amorous relationship can work just fine. I use to think that it would almost strengthen a relationship...But now I am not so sure. Now I think it has the opposite effect. We are all living in the same household. The shared, and the shareholder.

I understand that one of them is his ex, and the other is his Slave...He cannot live without his ex because he has been with her for ten years...He cannot live without his Slave because she is his right arm. If he has a backache, she massages him...If he, as he has had the past week, has a gallbladder attack, she is the better equipped to take him to the hospital, and to take care of him as the doctor has ordered.

But should I feel "Less loved" because I am in this situation. Sometimes I feel like shit...Like, if the previous night, I was the receiver of affection, or sex...And the next day or night I have to watch him flirt with another(It's never Damiana, sexually...He just bites her neck, or spanks her...). If I see that same affection given to someone else, should I feel less loved? I try not to...But sometimes I feel inadequate. As if, i'm not as good a companion as Damiana...Or as if I not as good a hostess, or as likeable a person.

I'm girl no. 1...But why do I feel like at the end of the day I don't matter? I love "Big Brother",and I can see myself being with him for a long time...And I don't think i'm getting ahead of myself in this.

I find him to be one of the most genuinely benign men I have met in my life.

Interesting fact:
Damiana is an exhibitionist. She once revealed her naked body on a subway train in order to pose for one of "Big Brother's" shots.